Why routines and structure help us parent well
In parenting, we often hear the buzz words routine and structure, scheduling, limits and boundaries. It’s mid August here in the northeast and school begins in just four more weeks. Do we wish these next four weeks to go slowly or quickly? As parents, you might each have your own secret wish and prayer with this one. I totally get it.
During the precious summer months, its common for parents to kick back, ease up on bedtime, and have less structure in our child’s day. Ah, the days of summer. Hello Back To School.
It’s no secret that children need and thrive on structure and routine. As working adults, we are so used to our routine that it might not even feel like a routine anymore. It might feel like we just keep doing what we do.
So why so much pressure on us to work so hard creating structure and routine for our children? Why be so detailed and specific, so timely and structured? The answer is because children thrive on structure, routine, consistency and predictability. These four aspects of daily life makes a huge difference in how smoothly our parenting day and night goes.
Think about your own personal needs for a moment. You know what you need to do to do your job, your work, well. We use multiple calendars and alerts, apps and reminders. Children need us to be all those for them until they can manage it on their own. What helps you be on top of all that you do at work? Most likely you found a method of organization that works for you.
In parenting, when we create a routine and structure, we are giving shape and form to an otherwise shapeless set of hours. For many parents, structure and routine feels rigid and doesn’t allow for spontaneity. For some parents there is no changing the routine, even on a special occasion. Here’s where my teacher hat comes on. Structure, routine, consistency and predictability are what makes the school day with a classroom of children work well. In the classroom, everyone knows what to expect and moves throughout the day with ease. Are there children that struggle with transitions, even with routine? Absolutely! That’s where understanding their needs and flexibility comes in. For the most part, over time, they ease into change with less struggle. They can stop Work Time, where they are deeply engaged in their learning through meaningful play, and move to the next special or change in schedule. Each morning we review our schedule so they know what to expect. It is presented to them in a way they can read it as four and five year olds- using pictures and words.
How does routine and structure help parenting?
Structure, routine and consistency brings in control without being controlling. When we’re consistent, we do as we say. Consistency segues easily into creating limits and boundaries, which is essential in parenting, Children feel safe and secure.
Structure and routine helps children self regulate. Routines keep children calm. Bedtime can be so predictable that some children can identify their tiredness and put themselves to bed, saying goodnight to mom and dad. Dreamy, right? It’s true for many, and so many wish it were their truth. I know.
Routines eliminate ambiguity where a child might interpret whats next, and make it fit what they ultimately want, not what we said, which often puts them in control. With routine, parents do not have to be controlling in order to have control. The routine does that for us. We are making it happen.
Routines and structure reduces power struggles. It’s true. Being on a predictable schedule reduces conflict. Children appreciate the predictability.
Structure, routines and consistency helps children develop good habits internally. They can use what they absorbed on their own and better manage their time, manage homework and when to practice piano lessons.
So where to begin? How do I get on track now as school begins?
Begin bedtime a little sooner. It’s getting darker a bit earlier, making it easier. Start this transition very soon. Change takes time to get used to.
A solid morning, dinner and bedtime routine are key. Think of them as anchors for everything else.
What needs to change to make bedtime earlier? Does dinner have to be ready sooner? Do screens and screen time get in the way? What has to happen to make ending screen time easier? Limiting screens to end an hour before bed can be very helpful. Screens are often a big derailment and roadblock to a smooth bedtime routine.
How does the dinner table get clean? What is expected of our family? How can small children participate? Little ones LOVE helping! Like in the classroom, everyone helps and pitches in. Routine (same time each day, same way) + expectation (we’re in it together) + predictability (I know what comes next because I did this before) = success.
Create one on one time in your bedtime routine. Where can a board game or game of hide and seek fit in? Where is there time for reading together every single night? Singing, story telling, pillow talk. It all counts in this precious time with our child.
Get up a little earlier than you wish you had to, and make time for self care. Just ten minutes will make a difference in how you respond in sticking to the routine. Make a routine for yourself first, and you will have an easier time creating structure and routine for your child.
Same bedtime each night, same wakeup time each morning. If you struggle with morning chaos and rushing, and who doesn’t, will 30 extra minutes help you? What needs to change in order to add 30 minutes to your morning? Earlier bedtime, earlier wake time.
Be flexible as needed, while keeping routines. If bedtime was late because mom or dad returned from work travel, or there’s a special houseguest, we can get back on track the very next day and show that was special and now we’re back to regular.
Routines are often the answer to lots of behavior challenges. Take care of yourself first; bring in structure and routine in your self care, and you’ll be better able to follow through with routines and structure in your parenting, and you will find more ease and joy in parenting.
