Growing Sibling Love
Your child is two or five or eight years old, and has become a big brother or sister for the second or third or fourth time. Hold on and wait just a minute. They were the star of the show since birth. The whole family tuned into their channel making them the most important being to ever watch. Mom, dad, grandmas and grandpas’ tuned in to this child’s channel without ever changing the dial. Now there’s another child taking away attention, changing the channel without consent, making them share toys and share mama’s love? Whaaat??
Growing sibling love… where parents learn to grow their love, expand their heart, make more room on their lap, add more patience, and meet their child’s needs and sibling angst.
We know of sibling rivalry and we might have experienced it ourselves with our own siblings. Jealousy between siblings, feelings of unfairness, mom and dad taking sides, younger sibling always gets their way, older sibling has more privileges or maybe not enough privileges, or sharing a bedroom can be really hard. Perhaps one child has special needs and they need more time and attentiveness. When children face sibling rivalry, and it is super common, tempers flair, fighting ensues, tantrums and outbursts occur and negative connection seeking behavior erupts. You have seen it, I’m sure.
Let’s look at from their point of view
When we are trying to change patterns of behavior and create change in how we parent, it helps to see the picture from our child’s lens. Each of our child’s lenses. Mom and dad bring home a new baby. Where do I fit in now? is a common thought for small children. Do mom and dad still love me the way they used to? Am I still special? Am I still the center of the universe? Often the answer is yes, and no. Yes you are still loved wholly and abundantly, and no, the universe is now shared with your sibling and this feels shockingly wrong. Your child with special needs can be seen as sucking all of you from them.
Your baby, toddler or younger child adores their sibling and wants to be with them and follow them even though they get pushed, struck and hurt. How perplexing and forgiving.
So what’s a parent to do?
There’s lots we can do:
We can prepare a toddler or preschooler for the new invader that’s going to disrupt their lives. We can read picture books about new babies, look at their own baby photos from their beginning of life story at home with you, feel the baby kicking, talk about babies, gently say hi to other babies and make sweet comments. We can also assure our child from a language of love that they will have always been our first baby. We can be on their side, like in the picture book, “Gran and Darcy Don’t Like Babies,” by Jane Cutler, and agree that babies are messy, stinky, get in the way, grab and cry a lot, and sometimes are funny and fun to be with too. We can be their partner.
We can involve our child in helping take care of the new baby. Toddlers and preschoolers love to get things, love to run little errands at home. “Please bring mommy a diaper “ is a doable chore at the youngest of ages.
”Help me wash her with this wash cloth in this gentle way. That’s right, just like that.” An older child can take on more responsibility that’s age appropriate. “Please listen in for Chloe while I take a shower and come tell me if she starts crying.” Children love responsibility.Create one on one time with your child. Life with a newborn is round the clock busy. We breastfeed and bottle feed upon demand and parent our baby’s needs on demand. Just like skin to skin contact is important for a newborn, one on one time is vital to our other child. With intention and compassion, we can figure out how to carve out this absolutely necessary time. Whether its baking together, a board game or a walk to the store, undistracted time together is essential in strengthening our relationship.
Make room on your lap for both baby and older child and read a book together. Be prepared to put baby down and have the older child on your lap all to themselves. We can show both ways, that there’s always room on mama’s lap AND, sure, you can have my lap all to yourself at times. Shall we snuggle or give each other butterfly kisses? We can fill our child’s deep reservoir with this one on one time. A little I love you whisper in their ear, might feel so good.
Older children have similar yet more mature needs. They need to be heard and validated, without parents taking sides or being a referee. We can teach effective communication and stay out of it, being more of a facilitator of communication rather than a problem solver who can be seen as leaning more towards favoring one child over the other. “You’re right Kate. It is your hairbrush. “What do you want Lily to know, Kate?" How can you tell her without yelling, using your regular voice.” Have a family meeting and flesh out the dilemma. If sharing and taking possessions without permission is a trigger for sibling rivalry, how can they come up with actionable solutions that they agree upon? ” Let them talk, express themselves and work it out.
Model conflict resolution and effective communication with your spouse, your partner and with your child. Do you slam doors when you’re mad? Do you scream and yell? Your child is likely to copy and imitate that learned behavior. Find your calm and get centered. Walk away, take deep breaths, and return more grounded and ready. How we resolve our own conflict teaches so much.
Give siblings opportunities to be together in play, with opportunities to repair their relationship.
Comparison is the thief of joy. When we compare one child to another, we help move the needle towards resentment and jealousy. Parental love is a biggie for children. Celebrate each child’s unique qualities, talents, strengths and individuality. Let them do it their way, not the same way as their sibling. Allow them the right to stand apart and be respected as they are.
Siblings can grow together with our help. It’s a balance between really connecting and not getting too involved. We can’t force our kids to like or love each other, but we can help grow and foster a positive, respectful and loving relationship.
