Instilling Independence and Letting Go of Control
“It’s now what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”
-Ann Landers
Sometimes in our parenting we’re just not sure what independence means for children. Maria Montessori, the Italian physician and educator, creator of the schools named after her worldwide, believed that fostering independence and having free choice, is integral in how children learn. I couldn’t agree more.
When we believe in our child’s abilities, we are letting go of overdoing, over-parenting. When we believe that children learn by doing, we are instilling a love for learning and a growth mindset. When we believe that children need to be able to care and do for themselves, we are setting them up for their own life ahead.
What keeps us from instilling independence in our child? Why do we insist on doing it all? Quite often, it’s all the over’s in our parenting. Overdoing, over controlling, over parenting, over compensating, over worrying. We want to get the job done quickly and neatly. Teaching our child takes time, requires effort and patience, and we feel have limited to zero amounts of these and want to be in charge of it all in oder to be done right. At what cost though?
What happens when we allow our child to do for themselves? How does it impact them in the present and how does it impact them later on as they get older? As a parent to three very independent adult children and as an early childhood educator with three decades of experience in the classroom, I can share the benefits of letting go while instilling independence. Letting go means our child doesn’t need us every second for every want and need they have. It is a belief that they can and should do for themselves. In the classroom, you will find a room full of children helping themselves to what they need. You will find 18 children independently getting materials and working independently or in small groups. You will find children helping themselves and each other to a small pitcher of water or to a snack of cut fruit. You will find preschoolers working with real tools, real gadgets and utensils, with a belief that they can manage these independently, safely and independently. Children gain life skills when they learn how to work with utensils, tools and gadgets.
What changes when we allow children to be independent and do for themselves? Where do the limits and boundaries fit in? What happens when we don’t make space for independence and autonomy? Children that are allowed to do for themselves grow self sufficiency. Children that expect mom and dad to do for them, grow their dependency to be cared for and have things done for them.
So what are some ways we can increase independence and self help skills in our child? At what age can we begin to expect them to be able to do more for themselves? The answer might shock you. At every age. There are ways a baby, toddler and young child can do for themselves. Our job is to let them, to trust them, to guide and teach, and to instill confidence and a belief in their abilities. When children see that we believe in them and have trust, then they believe in themselves too and grow their confidence.
So what can we do to grow independence and let go of over parenting? A whole lot.
Bring safe and user friendly things down to a level they can reach. This can include sippy cups or a small pitcher with a little bit of water in it. A two cup measuring cup with 1/4 cup water works great for this.
Have a small stool nearby and easy access to cut paper towels for easy wipe ups from spills.
Children can help prep meals and cut their own food using a real serrated child’s knife and kitchen tools designed for children
Encourage children to open packages themselves. In my classroom, children are encouraged to help themselves to kid scissors and to help each other open packages Where one child might find it too hard, another child just loves the challenge and loves being helpful. You can get it started just enough, and let them finish it and get a sense of accomplishment, completion and success. This is true with zipping as well. We can get it started and they can zip it up.
When we allow children to choose their own clothes and dress themselves, we are expanding their abilities and strengthening their self help skills and we let their self expression stand out. Limits and boundaries exist with the clothes that are in their drawers. Keep it seasonal. Wearing summer clothes to school here in the northeast in the winter would teach a whole lot!
Let them practice pouring liquids and pouring their own cereal from the box. Be calm, be centered and use positive self talk reminding yourself that spills happen. We can clean it up together. No biggie.
Show them how you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and when to stop pouring. Don’t do it for them. Do it for yourself. You can then ask them to do it for you and help make you breakfast.
Children can carry a plate and bring it to the counter. They can carry something heavy like a small bag of groceries and can carry their own backpack. When we over do, they don’t do.
Plan a tea party using real materials. Small wooden cups are nicer and healthier than plastic. Ikea sells sturdy children’s glass tea sets. A tea party with mom or dad makes for a fun time together, practicing social and self help skills.
Give up being in control and being controlling so that our child learns how to self modulate and be in control of themselves.
Children with sensory sensitivities might greatly benefit from doing things themselves. This is true for using toothpaste, applying shampoo, and sunscreen. It feels icky when someone else does it, but when they do themselves, it feels safer and better.
Children can do so much if we let them. Making their own healthy lunch for school teaches how to be self sufficient and responsible. There’s also independence in making decisions. Preteens and teens need practice making decisions along with clear limits and boundaries, promoting confidence and resilience.
All of these will help elicit a sense of “I can, I am capable, and I can take care of myself.” When we believe in our child’s abilities and we show trust and give up full control, our child can really surprise us in great ways.
