The importance of the parent child relationship
What does the word relationship mean? Simply put, it’s a close connection between two people. We have different relationships in our lives. Work relationships, romantic relationships, family relationships and many more. The parent child relationship is one of them. This special relationship is based on love, communication, listening to each other, bringing in relaxed togetherness, spending time together doing things that bring in joy, and sharing core values that create a sense of family belonging.
Let’s face it. Parents are fully booked. We work inside and outside the home. We multi-task to no end. The calendar is full, the demands are relentless. Each child has specific wants and needs, and so do we. Our child’s behaviors are beyond challenging. Tantrums, hitting others, yelling, screaming, throwing things, slamming doors. At different ages the behaviors look different, yet all have one thing in common… the parent child relationship. Every behavior is a message where our child attempts to express a need or want. When we connect, we can better understand the behavior, first by meeting our own needs, then meeting their needs while putting in limits and boundaries. Often when a child acts out, whether its at home or in the classroom, they have an unmet need. They may feel uncertain where they belong in the family or in the classroom, and don’t know how to feel included. Creating trust; trust that they are loved unconditionally, trust that you care, trust they can speak their truth without being judged and labeled, trust that they can be themselves.
The primary parent child relationship nurtures our child physically, emotionally, socially and cognitively. Children feel secure and grounded when they have strong, positive parent child relationships. They are then better equipped to build strong relationships on their own. Children learn how to regulate their emotions when we co-regulate; showing them how we do it, how we bring in calmness and soothe emotions, together.
How can I be in a positive relationship when my child is full of challenging, oppositional behaviors?
A great question that I hear all the time. This is exactly why and when we need to be in that positive relationship. Behavior give us information. Sibling rivalry and jealousy, tantrums, yelling, throwing things, hitting; they all connect to how we’re connecting.
So what to do? What is the solution?
It’s called one on one time. Doing things together. At every age and stage in development, whether you have an infant, a two year old or a preschooler, a 12 year old or a teenager, one on one time is essential in creating that parent child relationship. Time with each parent separately is essential and adds stability and creates bonding. Whether it’s care and nurturance from mom with a soft, gentle touch, or a physical game of hide and seek with dad, It doesn’t matter what you do together, as long as you do it together. It can be as mundane as folding pairs of socks together with a three year old, looking for matching colors and patterns and counting pairs, or playing a game of Uno with a 5 year old. With an older child, board games or a bike ride topped off with a stop for ice cream, or a one on one talk in the car on the way to soccer practice or any other activity, are moments to connect and build relationship. When we fill our child’s cup with what they truly want, which often is our undivided attention, they don’t need to use negative attention seeking behaviors to get us to pay attention to them.
Tips to build relationship:
Let your child lead the play. Follow their lead, without telling them what to do. Let them tell you what to do, and follow their directions.
Ask questions to extend the play. “Who’s going to be the dragon and who’s going to be the unicorn?”
Listen to their life stories. Really tune in and be present. Be there with them, validating feelings and offer empathy when needed and laugh with them, when appropriate.
Time together will be different at different ages. A teenager might enjoy sharing a new song with you, talk about a sports game, or just being quiet with you, while a school aged child might like to be read to, work on a jigsaw puzzle or a craft project. Listen to an age appropriate podcast together and talk about it afterwards. Check out https://tinkercast.com/ for great podcasts and activities for kids!
Enter your child’s world and enjoy what they enjoy. Whether it’s learning about amphibians or dinosaurs, a new music artist or Manga, when we show we are interested in what they love, we are building that positive relationship.
Have limits and boundaries and make it consistent and clear.
Model the behaviors you wish them to have. Show your child how you calm and soothe yourself, how deep breaths, walking away and coming back to figure it out together, works.
No phones, no devices, no screens. Just true one one connection. Bring in joy, make it fun and playful, and most of all, make it happen. You will grow change in your parenting and in how your child behaves and responds to you.
