Is it messy or is it lived in?
Does your home look lived in, or does it look or feel like a bomb went off and the only survivors are the toys? What are the distinctions between lived in and messy?
For many parents a messy kitchen or a messy home is a big trigger, myself included. Many of us feel utterly disorganized and disturbed when the house is a mess. We can’t be happy and move forward with any kind of ease. We feel angry, agitated and annoyed.
Some of us don’t mind mess at all and feel perfectly calm and at one with the disarray. You want to just leave it as is. Dealing with it is a bigger bother than living with it. Cleaning it feels annoying and stressful.
Which one is more like you and what’s the difference between a messy home and a lived in home? Could it be the toys? Oh my, the toys. Kids.Have.So.Many.Toys. And if you have more than one child, we can double and triple that number.
Is it possible to create limits and boundaries around the mess, while preserving children’s needs and rights to play, and for their bedroom or playroom to be their sanctuary? Can there be a balance between tidy and messy, that can set you free from this struggle?
Jean Piaget, a psychologist who’s work with child development and Maria Montessori, an educator focusing on independence and choice, taught us that play is the work of childhood. It could not be more true. Play is how children learn. The environment is also a teacher and gives structure and balance.
There are solutions!
If you’re like me and see a clean, tidy home as your sanctuary, keeping up with the cleaning can feel like a losing battle. Dirty dishes, food packages, dirty clothes, sports equipment and shoes can pile up everywhere if we don’t get a handle on what structure and routines are around home care.
1. They won't be little forever.
Whether your child shares a room with a sibling or has the run of the house, disorder is inevitable. If you live in a small apartment or in a spacious house, toddlers love to dump toys and walk away, while preschoolers love to spill out the hundreds of lego’s as they look for the perfect piece. Kids are messy. They are sticky, gooey and at times, stinky. They won't be this way forever. It helps to remember that children stay small for a certain number of years.
2. Be their partner
I know how overwhelming clean up can feel. After hosting many holidays for my extended family serving 20-25 people, the clean up is gargantuan. The dishwasher is overloaded and so is the sink. The counter is piled high with the spillover from the table. I cannot believe what I have to tackle before I can think about going to bed.
And then comes my husband. He’s my partner and savior when it comes to clean up (and so much more) When we do it together, it gets done so much faster and smoother.
Children learn how to put things away and how to organize and sort their toys and parts and pieces, by doing it together. We teach them how to do it. Our partnership makes the job smaller and more doable. When we expect them to do it themselves, that’s when they walk off the job. It’s just too big for them to do alone. “I’ll clean up all the red Lego’s. Which colors will you put away, blue or green?”
3. Children love to save things
Children see magic in things we take for granted. Every feather, precious rock, seashell, and piece of string can be seen as wondrous to children. A saving box for all things magical and extraordinary can make a child’s collection feel important, while also bringing in order to their collections. Repurpose a shoebox or find a clean container they can call their own.
4. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
Changing our expectations helps release us from the burden of constant cleaning and pickup. “If you want your house to be perfect, maybe you should raise goldfish instead of children.” -Alfie Kohn. Oh how funny and true this is. It helps to let go of the burden of perfection. In parenting, there is no perfection. We’re all doing our best each day, and that is the truth.
5. Bring in joy.
When we make things playful and fun, we change the feel of cleanup. Playfulness, laughter, music are ways to make it lighter and not so boring and tedious.
6. Put away one toy before you take out another.
Just this one simple cleanup can make a big difference in how much there is to clean up later. It also teaches limits and boundaries. Too many toys reduces the quality of how children play and distracts them from deeper, more meaningful play.
7. Thin out and donate toys that are no longer played with.
Less is more, is really true. Donating old toys is a great opportunity to involve children in helping others.
Parenthood is hard. Keeping up with our children is exhausting. You are doing your best, and that is good enough. We can remind ourselves that the lived in look lets us know that children live here, including goldfish. It’s home, it’s comfy and it doesn't have to be perfect. Limits and boundaries, togetherness and a bit of structure will change the chaos into a more lived in look, which is what home is. How we care for our home environment becomes a family value when we model it and give ourselves grace.
