More Yes and Less No
Power struggles are big struggles.
We have all been there. Children of all ages try to trap parents into a power struggle. Easily we get embroiled in a test of strength and willfulness. Both parent and child are determined for the outcome to be their way, and neither side are willing to be flexible and budge. Then comes the reality check. Who really wins in a power struggle? Depending on your parenting style, it could be your child. Children have a talent, a strength, a mission in wearing us down, making us cave and give in. We then often feel powerless and empty inside, made angry by the power of our child. If you parent with an authoritarian nature from the top down type of parenting, you’ll win and your child will let you know with hysterics, tantruming, door slamming or ignoring us how they feel about it. In the classroom, I am always teaching, “we cannot control anyone except ourselves.” We can choose whether to engage in a power struggle or disengage. We have that power over ourselves.
Fact #1:
Power struggles are a healthy, normal part of child development. From early on as young as two through the teen years, children work hard to figure out their autonomy. Where is my strength? Where is my voice? Where do I get a say here? “I want what I want and I want it now!” often is the mantra of the small child. Control is the issue here, whether we are doing the controlling or being controlled. Both feel, well, really frustrating. Where are the limits and what happens when I test them and push back? Two year olds and four year olds are masterful at this.
Fact #2:
Parents often use power as a way to control children. Parents often believe that, “If I let him get away with this, then I’ll have no control.”
Fact #3:
Children need to explore and understand their autonomy; where their voice matters and counts, and what they can control. This is such an important part of child development. When a child has autonomy, it helps grow their abilities and independence.
So how do we avoid the power struggle or get out of a power struggle?
More Yes, Less No
Avoid Overcontrolling your child:
1. When we overpower and overcontrol children, frustration and anger gets bottlenecked and a power struggle ensues. Who likes being told what to do all the time? No one.
A child’s autonomy is essential:
2. Our role as parents is to allow children to have a sense of autonomy and control, while creating safe limits and boundaries. We can grow their autonomy by giving choices and really listening. When children feel empowered, they also feel respected, confident and capable. Allowing children to have choices and make decisions teaches them how to have control over their own lives. We are parenting for now and for later, preparing them for their own lives.
Say yes more than you say no:
3. Often in our parenting, we are so quick to say, “no!” We don’t even know why we say no, and say it strongly anyway. Hello power struggle. This does not mean you always give in to your demanding child. We can’t possibly say yes to every demand. It’s what we say and how we say it that makes a difference in avoiding a power struggle.
If we don’t want to engage in a power struggle or get out of one, saying, “yes,” is important. Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting and many other pivotal books and articles, an educator and speaker on human behavior and parenting, believes to say yes whenever possible. “There should be a good reason not to go along with what’s being proposed.” Indeed. Why are you saying no? Is there a reason or is it a knee jerk, “I’m the boss,” reaction? Of course, boundaries need to be in place too. “Yes, you can sleep over at Sam’s house and I’ll pick you up after breakfast so that you rest before grandma and grandpa come over.” Positive language is empowering and changes the vibe and the outcome.
Be a Parent Detective:
4. Put your hat and monocle on and try to better understand your child. What is my child’s intention? What are they trying to control and why? Understanding this piece can make a big difference.
Look deeply at your parenting tendencies and see where you can swap out a no for a yes and give lots of choices. You’ll find less struggle, more positivity and more parenting wins.
Interested in a free consultation? Click the Contact button at the top of my website. I look forward to getting to know you and helping you grow change in your parenting.