Understanding My Parenting Style
As parents, we all have a parenting style or two that is most prevalent in how we parent. Our parenting style dominates how we communicate and express ourselves, our attitude and behavior towards our child and the emotions we present. It dictates the choices we make as parents and supports the values we have in how we raise our children. It is often a combination of how we were parented and what is now relevant in our own parenting life.
So what are the different parenting styles?
There are four parenting styles that are commonly at play in how we parent and where we parent from. Understanding our parenting style doesn’t judge us; it just lets us understand ourselves better as parents and what our tendencies are in how we parent.
Just like children exhibit different behaviors, parents exhibit different reactions and responses. Our parenting style can dictate our response which correlates in how our child responds right back.
Parenting Styles, explained:
Our parenting style effects more than our parenting. It effects our child’s self esteem, how they see themselves and their ability to relate to others. The way we discipline our child and the relationship we have, has a strong influence on their behavior.
Authoritarian: Top down, bossy, demanding, strict and quick to threaten and punish. High expectations, obey or else, is the go to. “Because I said so,” “Do it now,” and “No,” come easily. “My parents always said no before I even finished asking the question. It always made me so mad and frustrated. Now I hear myself doing the same.” -Meredith
Permissive: Indulgent and loose. Parents don’t establish limits and boundaries, no clear structure or grounding. Parents want their child to feel happy at all times and fail to let consequences teach lessons. Low expectations and unable to enforce rules or good habits, or offer discipline
“It’s really hard for me to say no and stick to it. I feel so badly depriving them of something. I struggle with their behavior all the time, and it quickly gets so bad. I yell and feel terrible, and then I cry to my husband.” -Anne
Uninvolved- Unresponsive, unengaged, not interested. This parenting style puts in no interest or energy in their child and is seen as neglectful and detached. Given lots of freedom and no expectations, raise yourself is the voice heard here. There is no care and nurturance. Children reared with uninvolved parents struggle with their behavior and emotions and have difficulty with friendships and relationships.
Authoritative: Flexible, bendable, willing to compromise and collaborate. Is considerate of child’s feelings and needs. Offers clear limits and boundaries, structure, connection, attentive and is responsive.
This parent teaches by allowing consequence to be the natural way to learn, while partnering with child. Let’s child learn how to self soothe and regulate their emotions and is their partner.
“When Oscar wrote on the kitchen wall and table with crayons and markers, I was taken aback but didn’t make it a big deal. I remembered doing that when I was little. I told him I’ll go get soap and water and paper towels and we’ll clean it together. I reminded him that markers and paper are only for paper. Then I put them away and told him we can use them again tomorrow, but only on paper. He didn’t make it a big deal and actually liked cleaning it up with me.’ - Deidre
First we have to become aware of our parenting tendencies.
Which of these sounds like you? Do the stories resonate and sound familiar?
Child psychiatrists, psychologists and experts agree that Authoritative Parenting is the sweet spot to reach for in our parenting. This style of parenting encourages self help skills, values independence and responsibility.
So how do I become more authoritative in my parenting?
Change is possible;
Be an active and supportive listener. When your child is talking and telling you long stories, be present, connected and available without distraction.
Catch yourself and turn it around. Turn a no into a yes, when safe and possible. Alfie Kohn, progressive educator and writer believes, “Say yes, whenever possible. That should be the default response, such that you need a good reason not to go along with what’s being proposed or to step in and forbid something.” I agree.”
Validate your child’s feelings and emotions. “You’re sad and disappointed we can’t go to the playground. We didn’t know it was going to rain. I understand you feel so disappointed.”
Create clear limits and boundaries. “Yes, you can take out Lego’s. Lets first put away the trucks and dolls together, then we can take out Lego’s. Which will you do, trucks or dolls?”
Let consequences teach valuable lessons. Reread the crayon story, writing on the wall.
Give choices and allow decision making and more autonomy. Children are empowered when they can make age appropriate decisions. “Leggings or tights under your dress today? Which one do you prefer?”
Delegate responsibility and accountability. Let children pack their backpack the night before and be sure they have all they need. Lunchbox in the morning and we’re good to go.
Create one on one time with your child to maintain a positive and loving relationship.
Bring in joy! When we bring in playfulness, we can be flexible and engaging, participating in our child’s young world.
Our small child cannot meet our needs. We meet theirs. Positive self talk, remembering their age at this time and what to expect, will help you be more flexible and authoritative.
With awareness and intention, we can be this preferred parenting type with great love, clear limits and boundaries, and with responsiveness.
