Growing Core Values at Holiday Time
For many families the holiday season is filled with joy, excitement, cheer and celebration. However, not all of us may experience holidays that way. Perhaps its tinged with sadness or pain for some, and memories that are bittersweet. Like I always say, all feelings are allowable feelings, and we can honor ourselves and give us permission to just be. My hope for you is to be understood and be given love, understanding and compassion.
Children are often so excited for the Winter Solstice and the Festival Of Lights holidays for weeks. We ready our homes with decorations, take out the family menorah, Kinara, lights, tree and ornaments and special holiday accessories as well as cooking, baking and shopping. There’s so much to do and be excited about.
Many families have traditions that are near and dear to their hearts with customs that are meaningful and deep. Our family is spread out over the two coasts, and lighting the menorah together via Facetime and now Zoom, has become our family tradition. We use technology to bring us together when we can’t be together the way we wish we could. Making room for the time difference poses its challenges, and everyone’s busy life and schedule certainly makes it tricky. It’s doable when everyone makes it doable and deems it important enough to make it happen. I’d say most of our kids and their spouse/partners show up each night for the eight nights to light our menorah together and sing a few songs, open gifts together virtually and celebrate the best we can. Even if we light with one child at 8:00 PM, ET and have to relight with the other one or two at 10:00 PM, my husband and I will always say yes. We want to do this. We want our children to celebrate Hanukkah with us and are willing to do our part to make it happen. It’s a core value.
The miracle of light and the miracle of technology both mean so much. Each of these brings an appreciation for the impossible to be possible.
When our three children were growing up, Hanukkah was always an exciting holiday. The Toys R Us catalog came in the newspaper, bringing kids crazy joy with all the new toys to delight in. We lived in a small Co-op that had very limited space. Every toy that came in, came with the same question; where will it fit in? Not much more can fit in our tiny living room! Being an organized and tidy mom, I thought about things from a practical viewpoint. Old toys will have to go to make room for the new.
It was important to us that they understand the holiday as being more than an opportunity to receive one gift each night, and then more gifts from grandparents, aunts and uncles. There’s a significance and meaning that we honor and make important to retell. The miracle that happened and the miracles that happen that we often didn’t stop to take notice of.
I remember our son and middle daughter, then about 4 and 6 years old, now all grown and flown, sitting with the Toys R Us catalog and a magic marker each. The ooh’s and aah’s that they uttered… the anticipation of what they’ll get. It was palpable. We told them, “Circle all the things you want for Hanukkah. Go ahead, circle it.” Why squash their spirit? Eventually, almost all items in they catalog were circled, and they felt heard and excited. They talked enthusiastically about toys and were kept busy, busy.
On Hanukkah it is customary to give one gift each night for the eight nights. That’s 24 gifts to buy and fit in! Sure, the kids circled that many toys in the catalog and many more, and we had no intention of buying all those toys. We chose with our core values. One thing very special, the rest were small things, art supplies and creative materials, music and books. It all brought in joy, We made small things important and special.
Space and family core values weighed in heavily for us at that time. Not only do we not have room for more, we also believe in limits and boundaries in how many toys and stuff they need and should have. Less is more always felt right to us.
Thinning out the old to make room for the new was needed. This was an opportunity to bring in the kids, all three of them, and make some decisions. Which toys should we donate? Which ones do you want to try to sell at the next stoop sale, and which ones should we give to family or friends with kids your age or younger?
Our local preschools were happy to take the good stuff… Brio trains, wooden puzzles, manipulatives and building, constructive toys. When our children parted with a toy or equipment and gave it to a younger cousin or friend, it felt good. It was a passing of something once special ( or not) and now attached a giving element. Children’s possessions are important and meaningful. When we had a stoop sale, they decided on a price that was super fair and made a few dollars to feel proud of. Oh the regret of selling or giving away those original Pokeman cards.
Our core values in having less, in donating and giving, in letting our children make decisions and choose what to part with, are opportunities to learn to give and have less and be content with less.
Now with our children being adults, our core values have only strengthened. We will zoom light Hanukah candles across the globe this year from as far away as Bali, Washington State, and NJ, where our son and daughter-in-law will be with us, which is so special.
We ended up moving to the burbs and bought a house with room to grow, and room for all our stuff. Oh the joy of closets and the miracle of owning a garage and driveway! While our house made owning stuff easier, our core values remain. There’s only so many toys a child will play with at any given time. The same is true in the classroom. Fewer toys on the shelves, cleanup is lessened and play is richer. Rotating toys and manipulatives makes old toys new and exciting. Donating, giving away and being happy with small things means a lot to our family.
We no longer give our kids eight gifts for Hanukkah, and they each have a reasonable wish list that we are happy to fulfill. Their list embodies the core values they grew up with- small things mean the most. Books are still on the list, each one loves to cook and look for kitchen or cooking accessories, and we now do a family gift exchange thanks to the internet, which we’ll share together on Zoom and in person. My mother’s latke recipe will fill the air with the aroma of Hanukkah and fried potatoes. We’ll visit extended family, bring Hanukkah to my father-in-law’s assisted living and bring him joy. We donate money and gift cards to help others celebrate that couldn’t without assistance and care from others.
Holidays are a great opportunity to model giving. Whether we donate money or Target gift cards, contribute to food drives, give out PB&J sandwiches to the homeless, or help at a soup kitchen, all forms of giving teaches. We model the behavior we wish to see in our child.
There are emotional and physical benefits linked to giving. Not only does it feel good and releases chemicals like serotonin which regulates our mood, dopamine, which gives a sense of pleasure, and oxytocin, which creates a feeling of connection to others. Science shows that giving and volunteering actually lowers blood pressure, combats pain, loneliness, stress and depression. Giving changes our brain, shifting from woe is me, to the care of others, getting out of our own way. We teach toddlers and preschoolers to share. We can also teach to donate, give and help others. Children have a natural drive to give and help, especially if we nurture it and make it a family core value.
Enjoy these Festival of Lights holidays in peace, in light and love, in compassion and in joy. Look for the miracles, for they surely occur.
