Talking to children so they listen
Sounds impossible, right? When does a child ever listen? Most of us might agree that this is one tough parenting challenge. My mom used to say to me, “In one ear, out the other.” Yup, at times it was true. And it doesn’t have to be this way. We can talk to our child where they actually hear us and respond positively.
Starting with the youngest of ages as babies, toddlers and preschoolers, we set the stage in communicating with our child. We coo and lock eyes with our baby, use short one to two word sentences with toddlers, bend down to their level and make eye contact with preschoolers and yet we still struggle getting our kids to listen. Why is it so hard? Are they unwilling or are they unable to listen? Both are true.
What am I doing wrong that my child just won’t listen to me the first time?
As parents, we feel so triggered being ignored by our child, asking repeatedly for them to do a task or chore, come to the table for dinner, shut the TV and get off their device. We repeat and repeat, saying it over and over, getting louder and stronger in our voice. We make threats, tell them no dessert or no screen time, and we blow a gasket, yelling. They finally listen, our child ends up crying and we end up feeling mad at ourselves and then feel guilty for yelling once again. Does this sound familiar?
There are solutions:
As parents, staying calm, grounded and being undaunted is key. Parenting from a place of calm always helps set the tone for positive communication. First get yourself centered so you parent from a place of calmness.
Bend down to your small child’s eye level and make eye contact, one on one. Talk to them, communicate with them and connect. Young children often benefit from playing back what you are asking of them. “Where did mom say backpacks belong after school?”
Shouting across the room or down the stairs only adds to the yelling. Walk over to your child where they are in the house, even if it means going upstairs.
Make the instructions easy to follow with only one task at a time for children less than six years old. Multitasking and multi-steps can be hard for children. Are your expectations aligned with your child’s age and ability? Sometimes we need to tweak and make it easier to do.
Children move slower than adults and effortlessly do what we struggle to do: live in the moment. Kids really submerge themselves into their world and sometimes need extra time to transition out of it and integrate back into family life. Patience is key. Back to self care we go. Take deep breaths, get calm and ask yourself, “Why is my child not listening to me?” Do they need help and support with the task or more limits and boundaries?
Positive communication yields so much more buy in than threats and yelling. Children often need help transitioning from one activity to another, moving from playing with their toys to coming to the table for dinner. Meet them where they are. Give a 10 minute or five minute warning, face to face, eye to eye, not shouting across the house.
With younger children it can be comforting letting them know they can save their Lego’s and come back to it after dinner. Older kids appreciate having choices…
Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. How much more time do you need? Make it do-able, putting in a limit and boundary.
“What’s your plan for undoing the dishwasher? Will you do it now or before you start your homework?”
Flexibility always helps. Avoid engaging in a power struggle. Children vie for power and control with their parents.
Let’s face it. No one likes being told what to do, including children. Instead of punishing, natural consequences teaches a lot. Teen fails to do their laundry, they don’t have clean clothes. Four year old wrote on the wall with crayons, child helps wipe walls clean and maybe has no crayons until tomorrow, and then we remind that crayons only write on paper.
