Teaching Our Child To Win Humbly And Lose Gracefully
Playing games of any kind is a great way to connect with our child. Whether you’re playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with a preschooler or a game of Jenga or Chess with an older child, how we win and how we lose teaches our child how to win and lose, too.
Connection is essential in parenting. Our relationship makes a huge difference in how our child reacts or responds, how they behave, and how they learn to self-regulate.
Let’s think about our child for a moment. They come to the game table to play a game with us. We intentionally look to spend time together doing what they love to do. Connection and joy come together here. Children tend to really love playing board games and card games. Whether it’s a memory game, another round of Go Fish or a game of checkers, games are great for children. Many games involve skill and strategy, and some just involve luck. Some games are team-based and there are no winners and the game is about cooperation. Any which way, games are awesome.
Games bring joy and fun, allow for connection, teach rules, cooperation and follow directions. Games strengthen and develop memory, allow for thinking, practice waiting and turn-taking, and help teach emotional regulation.
We want to be with our child and we want to have this important time together.
Then this happens.
We see the opportunity to win and want to teach our child the importance of not winning every time. After all, no one wins every time. And then they totally lose it. Not only is the game all over the floor, but they are too, and now we’re mad at them for this.
Some fun facts: Preschoolers often love to change the rules and invent new rules that help them win. They change the rules in a way that makes no sense and we can’t even follow. They are ecstatic when they even sense they are winning. It’s all joy.
Let’s go back to why we’re playing with them in the first place. What do you want to come of this time together? Is it important to you to win and be the victor? Are you trying to teach strategy and how to play to win? Is your intention to teach sportsmanship and how to win humbly and gracefully, or are you just hoping to have fun together and have this connection in a playful way? Ask yourself these questions.
Now let’s remember what we know about children at different ages. Emotionally, preschoolers are very id. They are focused on themselves; it’s all about me. Elementary school-age children are less egocentric and begin to see and better understand the feelings of others and still really LOVE winning, and can handle losing a little better. Sometimes. Their self-esteem can be tied to winning and losing.
So what can we do? A lot.
We model winning humbly and losing gracefully.
Play games with your child often.
Bring in joy and laughter. After all, it is a game.
Use positive self-talk and ask yourself: “Am I playing to win, or to be in a loving relationship with my child right now?”
Let your child win more often than not. If you’re aiming to increase connection and improve your dynamic together, lose more often. Especially at young ages between three and six years old.
Amplify back what a good player they are. “That was great thinking and great strategy!”
When you win, model what graceful winning looks like and what it looks like to win humbly. “Gee, I had to think hard to beat you this time around. Good game! You’re hard to beat.” “I’m proud of myself for not giving up or getting frustrated when I was losing.”
Model and manage your behavior and emotions when you lose. “Wow, that was hard! Maybe I’ll win the next round. Shall we play again tomorrow and perhaps I’ll do better?”
When our young child changes the rules and invents new ways to play, what can you do to maintain the fun dynamic between you? Go back to prompt #3 and ask yourself, “So what if my four-year-old child invents new rules? Do we have to play the real way or can it be reinvented and be joyful? Can I be playful and agree to play their way mostly and sometimes by the rules, and be flexible?”
Amplify to them how much fun you had with them and how much you loved playing together.
Do it often. Play games often and be the change you wish to see in your child.
