Disappointment Can Be So Hard

We as full fledged adults know that disappointments happen and are inevitable. No one likes being disappointed, but as grownups we know how to handle them. Well, maybe mostly. Surely it feels awful and is upsetting, but after all, we’re grownups and we can handle it. We tend to not trash a room or get woefully depressed when our friend cancels on us.

Then there’s our child. Our young child with an undeveloped, immature brain and prefrontal cortex that is highly reactive and maybe even explosive, or they go inward and don’t talk and let their disappointment grow in sadness . At around 18 months, the world of tantrums opens up. Let’s better understand this important piece.

Michael Potegal, PhD., a pediatric neuroscientist at the University of Minnesota says, “outbursts are as normal a biological response to frustration as a yawn is to tiredness.” The prefrontal cortex regulates emotion and controls behavior. Different children have different capacities in handling their disappointments, some more than others.

Your child was expecting to go on a playdate and it was cancelled last minute. Or perhaps they were looking forward to going to the movies with you and something came up and you have to reschedule. You forgot to pack a treat in their lunchbox or their ice cream fell off the cone onto the floor. Then it happens. The outburst. Screaming, throwing things, breaking things. Maybe it’s a crying jag that goes on and on or sullenness. Woah. It’s intense and feels so out of proportion. Disappointment is overwhelming and has hijacked their brain. Disappointments are disappointing.

So what do we do?

  1. Lean in with empathy and compassion, understanding that a child does not yet have coping skills for their disappointment. “You wanted to go to the playground and now it’s raining and we can’t go. I know you were looking forward to meeting Jack there.”

  2. Calm parenting: Show your ability to remain calm, centered and unnerved by their behavior. When we match our anger with their anger, we’re fueling a fire. When we show we are sturdy, steady and reliably calm, we are modeling our own coping skills.

  3. Offer support and comfort from a place of strength. “ I know it feels bad right now. It’ll take some time to feel better. Would you like a hug or some time to yourself and I can sit with you?” Allow your child time to sit with their disappointment.

  4. Give opportunities to talk about their feelings. “I see you have great big feelings right now. Do you think you’re feeling disappointed and that’s why you’re so mad?” “You can feel disappointed. That’s okay.”

  5. Distraction is often very useful and helpful. Do something that is calming for you, and see how it engages your child. Start deep breathing exercises, do a puzzle by yourself, color or draw, or talk about something in their room that is special or funny. “Oh I see your teddy bear is sitting next to Mr. Monkey. I wonder if they’re talking about lunch? What would a bear and a monkey eat together?”

  6. Put in clear and consistent boundaries. “You can be mad when you’re disappointed, and you can’t hit.” You can tell me how mad you are, and you can’t throw anything.” “You can pound your pillow, and you can you tell me how mad, sad or disappointed you feel, and not bite or scream.”

  7. Be consistent so they begin to know what to expect. Same script each time, using few words, thoughtfully.

  8. Amplify the times they handled disappointment a bit better. “You were mad I took the ball away and you didn’t kick or scream. How did you do it this time?”

Growing coping skills takes time, practice and consistency. Learning new skills, like learning all new skills, takes effort and repetition.



Previous
Previous

Growing Gratitude In Our Child

Next
Next

Teaching Our Child To Win Humbly And Lose Gracefully