Growing Our Strong Willed Child
I remember a student I had one year. Actually now as I think and write this, many students over many years! AZ was strong, fierce and took no crap from anyone. She believed in herself and always believed she was right. Continuous energy, a million great ideas in a day, funny, and a leader with great potential to lead as long as you didn’t wrong her in any way.
These kinds of kids- they come to school with their high energy, their tough mornings, sibling issues, insufficient sleep, and everyday disgruntlements. You cut their waffle and they wanted to cut it. You said it’s too cold to wear shorts today and you mistakenly picked out a pair of pants or leggings instead. You poured juice into their blue cup and they wanted it in the yellow cup. They wanted their cereal dry and you already poured the milk. They assert and push others out of their way if they feel threatened or may not get what they want. They demand, argue, insist, and don’t take no for an answer. We think of them as bad, and eventually they do too. After all, we said it aloud enough times. Let’s reframe bad into strong willed.
Bath time? You’re joking. Stop playing that game and have dinner? Uh, not happening.
And then it happens.
The yelling, the screaming, the throwing of anything near by. Have I captured your child in a relatable way? Parenting a strong willed child can be both challenging and rewarding. Strong-willed children are often determined, fierce, independent and have a strong sense of self, which can lead to power struggles and conflicts. We can appreciate this dramatic force of nature, grow their independence and help them become adaptable, confident, responsible individuals.
So how do we grow our strong willed child and let them be their best self? Here are ways to help teach this misunderstood child:
Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries: Strong-willed children need clear rules and boundaries without being coerced or forced to do as you say. Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries so they understand the consequences of their actions.
“What’s another way you could let Milo know you were mad when he made you fall off the monkey bars? Right. You could tell him he made you fall. Hurting him back is never the way. Talking about it will let him know for the next time to wait until you jump down. What can you tell him the next time you’re on the monkey bars?”
2. Offer Choices: Allow your child to have some control over their life by offering choices within acceptable limits. For example, let them choose between two or three healthy snacks or a few different shirts to wear. Don’t overwhelm with too many choices, but give options.
Empathize and Validate Feelings: Strong-willed children often have intense emotions. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you understand why they might be upset or frustrated. “You wanted to pour it all by yourself and I poured it instead and that upset you. I see why you’re so upset. I’m sorry I did that.”
Provide Opportunities for Independence: Encourage your child to take on age-appropriate responsibilities and tasks. This can help them feel more in control of their lives. This spirited child LOVES independence and LOVES being in control.
Model Patience and Calmness: Strong-willed children can be very challenging, but it's important to remain patient and calm during conflicts. Yelling or becoming overly emotional can escalate the situation and doesn’t teach coping skills
Listen Actively: Take the time to really listen to your child's thoughts and concerns. Sometimes they may have valid points or insights that you didn’t consider. Focus on positive techniques like deep connection, saying yes more, or natural consequences. “What happened on the monkey bars between you and Niko? Oh, so you were hanging upside down and he went on and that made you fall and then you made him fall too. Was that scary for you? Do you think it was scary for Niko too?”
Offer Encouragement and Praise: Praise your child's efforts and accomplishments, no matter how small. This gives them feedback and encourages positive behavior.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Help your child develop problem-solving skills so they can find solutions to their own challenges. Encourage them to brainstorm ideas and evaluate the consequences.
Seek Professional Help if Necessary: If your strong-willed child's behavior becomes unmanageable or if you're struggling to connect with them, consider seeking guidance from a child psychologist or counselor.
Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship: Invest time in building a strong and loving relationship with your child. Spend quality time together, engage in activities they enjoy, and show them affection regularly.
Stay Consistent as a Co-Parent: If you're co-parenting, work together to ensure that both parents are on the same page regarding discipline and boundaries. Consistency, connection and flexibility are key in dealing with strong-willed children.
