Parenting: When We’re Consistently Inconsistent
“A foolish consistency is the hallmark of ineffective parenting.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Parenting is an evolving journey filled with triumphs, challenges, and countless nail biting decisions. One of the most counterproductive pitfalls many parents unknowingly fall into is the trap of being caught in a "foolish consistency." A rigid, unyielding approach to rules and routines may seem like effective parenting, but in reality, it often undermines the goals of positive and conscious parenting, which we know is what we want in parenting, and the establishment of healthy boundaries.
Are You Too Rigid?
Consistency is seen as the cornerstone of good parenting—and for good reason. Children thrive on structure, routine, and clear expectations. These tenets help children feel safe and know what to expect. However, when consistency morphs into rigidity, it becomes counterproductive. This “foolish consistency” means sticking to rules or patterns for their own sake, even when circumstances demand flexibility or when a rule’s purpose no longer serves the child’s or family’s best interest. It also means continuing to practice a parenting strategy that just doesn’t work like continuing to use bribes, threats, punishment and the biggest one- yelling.
Rigid consistency often leads to power struggles, where the parent becomes more focused on enforcing rules that they create rather than nurturing a relationship. Rigidity conveys to the child that rules are more important than understanding or empathy, which contradicts the principles of positive, conscious parenting. When we get stuck in our rigidity, our child does what they do- pushback, resist and embroil us in a power struggle of will.
Positive, Conscious Parenting: A Flexible Framework
Positive, conscious parenting emphasizes connection, respect, and guidance rather than control. At its core, it involves striking a balance between being consistent and adaptable. Children benefit most from parents who provide clear boundaries while remaining attuned to their individual needs and situations, are flexible and demonstrate flexibility.
Boundaries are vital, but they are not one-size-fits-all. For example, setting limits on screen time is important for a child’s well-being, but it doesn’t have to mean the same amount of time for each child or every day. A child recovering from an illness might get more screen time for comfort, while another may thrive with less. And let’s remember that the age of our child counts too. A four year old and a ten year old need different amounts of screen time. (and less is more for both!)
Effective Parenting: Adjusting and changing our behavior and our approach. If we keep using the same ineffective approach over and over and nothing changes except for how much angrier we get, it’s an opportunity to rethink our parenting.
Instead of rigid rules we can focus on:
Creating clear age appropriate expectations
Model the behaviors we wish to see
Adapting, listening and communicating clearly
Changing and making decisions that meet our child’s needs
Setting boundaries and clear limits
Building Boundaries That Work
Clearly Define Your Values: Establish rules that align with your family’s core values ensuring they serve a true, meaningful purpose, rather than existing as a strict “Because I said so,” rule.
Communicate with Empathy: Explain the reasons and be open to dialogue. This builds mutual respect, fosters cooperation, teaches effective communication and strengthens the relationship. Really try to listen and understand your child’s point of view. It’ll go far if you do.
Embrace Flexibility: Be willing to adapt when situations change. Flexibility shows children that problem-solving and compassion are integral to healthy relationships and that some things are negotiable and bendable.
Model Critical Thinking: Encourage children to engage in discussions about boundaries. Let them come up with solutions that you try out. See what happens.
Create Consistency In Structure: Bedtime routine, morning rituals, meals, chores, without flip flopping.
Let’s Remember:
A foolish consistency in parenting often stems from the fear of losing control. However, the most effective parents understand that true control comes from being in control of our emotions, actions and words, connection; not rigid enforcement. Positive parenting thrives on a balance of clear boundaries and empathetic flexibility, teaching children the importance of rules while fostering their independence, resilience and trust. After all, the goal of parenting isn’t just compliance—it’s raising thoughtful, well-adjusted individuals who ask questions, push back in healthy ways, ready to navigate the world with confidence and compassion.
