Being In Control Without Being Controlling
We can maintain a harmonious balance between authority and flexibility, ensuring a healthy parent-child relationship that supports our relationship and fosters connection over perfection.
Parenting often feels like a delicate balancing act, especially when it comes to guiding children without crossing the line into being controlling. How do we lead with authority while still respecting our child’s individuality and right to be themselves and learn by doing? By focusing on setting boundaries and using effective parenting tips, we can create a healthy environment where both you and your child thrive.
What does being controlling look like?
“Do it now! You heard me, NOW! “Don’t do it that way, it won’t work. Here’s how to do it.” An authoritarian, controlling parent typically exhibits behavior and uses language that aims to exert excessive influence over their child's choices, actions, and emotions. Their intentions may come from a place of care or fear, but the actions can hinder the child's independence and self-esteem. Here are some common signs of authoritarian, controlling parenting:
"You’re not doing it right; let me do it."
“Don’t wear that, you’'ll look silly! ”
“That’s not how it’s done. This is.”
"That’s a bad idea; you need to do what I say."
"You’re not ready to handle something like that."
But I’m The Boss!
Being controlling often stems from a desire to be in charge; to demonstrate and exert our authority, and to protect our child to ensure everything goes smoothly. We think that if we do it, it’ll work out better. If we don’t demand, insist and prod it’ll never get done or be done wrong. Micromanaging their every move can backfire, leading to resentment, defiance, or dependence on us in so many unnecessary ways. Instead, focus on guiding rather than dictating. Encourage setting boundaries and problem-solving, and allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their choices within the safety of your boundaries. Yes, our young child can cook at the stove with our guidance and teaching. A three year old can open the package if we perhaps get it started for them or allow them to use a scissor and make a cut or tear. A conscious parent becomes aware of their actions and is willing to check their ego and become a parent leader over being an insister, an over-doer and fixer. Over controlling does not yield better child behavior management.
Controlling is Impactful
We may not realize it, but being controlling can lead to:
Low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
Difficulty making independent decisions.
Anxiety or fear of failure.
Strained relationships with the parent and others.
Lack of resilience or problem-solving skills.
Resistance, pushback and defiance
Controlling behaviors in parenting can take on many forms:
Micromanaging- Telling them how to do every part of something
Guilt- I bought you a toy and this is how you thank me?!
Discourages Autonomy- You’re not able to do this yourself.
Comparison- Your sister can do this. Why can’t you?
Does This Sound Familiar?
Decision-Making:
Makes all decisions for the child, from small choices like clothing to big ones like hobbies, sports, friends, or career paths.
Over-Parenting:
Constantly checking the child's whereabouts, activities, and interactions without allowing for privacy or trust.
Setting Unrealistic Expectations:
Demands perfection or excellence, often leading to stress and fear of failure.
Withholding Freedom:
Restricts child's ability to explore new experiences, make mistakes, or assert independence.
Using Punishment Over Guidance:
Responds harshly to mistakes rather than teaching or helping the child learn from them.
Emotionally Overbearing:
Overreacts to child’s emotions, belittles or diminishes their feelings, or invalidates their experiences.
Control Through Rewards or Punishments:
Offers affection or approval only when the child meets specific demands or expectations. Transactional parenting.
The Big Picture:
Being in control without being controlling is about remaining calm and centered, because a good leader is a sturdy one, and fosters mutual respect and trust.
It’s fixable! When we set clear boundaries, communicate effectively, and empower our child to make choices, we create a parenting style that encourages independence and cooperation. Remember, the goal is not to raise a perfectly obedient child ( I know, it feels like it should,) but to guide them into becoming a confident and capable individual with a personality all to their own.
