Growing Patience in Parenting
It’s six o’clock in the morning. The sun has barely risen, it’s quiet outside and not so quiet in side. The stirring and calling has begun. We silently beg the universe for a few minutes of peace so we can move slowly and ease into our day. Our child has another plan for us. Their day is ready to begin. Whether you have a baby, toddler or young child, children are early risers. We start out the day feeling okay and have patience in our reserve tank. And then it happens. The chaos begins.
Patience and parenting don’t easily co-exist.
Whether its the morning rush to get to school and work on time, the bedtime delays and stalling, the after school running around to activities, our kids various health appointments and the dinner time crunch, as parents, we’re in a constant state of motion. We know what we need to do, we have a sense of the timeframe to get it done, and then our child comes in and circumvents the whole plan. The tantrum, the sibling issues, the ignoring of our requests escalates into yelling. We feel like we’re just not heard or listened to unless we scream. Our yelling escalates into more tantrums. Are we screaming to be heard or are we screaming in anger and frustration? Likely, its both.
Patience is a power tool that we absolutely need in parenting. Patience helps us maintain our cool, our own ability to regulate our own emotions and be a sturdy, calm leader. It’s a necessity in parenting.
Some of us are inherently more patient than others. We have a capacity that allows for a lot of commotion and action. Many of us just don’t have it. We are easily triggered and easily sent into anger and frustration. With intention, patience can be taught and learned. Like all behaviors, it’s changeable with a positive mindset and a willingness to change.
I really enjoyed reading Raising Good Humans, A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids By Hunter Clarke-Fields
When we model patience, we teach our child a life skill
Everything we say and do, teaches. When we yell and scream, our child learns that behavior. When we respond calmly, we teach our child how to respond calmly too.
It’s much easier said than done. I totally get it!
How do we get to this place that feels so unattainable, so far off and impossible to reach? It takes practice. Lots of consistent practice. And a filling of our own vessel so that we have this reservoir to share.
Patience is a state of mind. It’s a virtue. Whether we’re in traffic, waiting on a super long checkout line, or are put on hold forever on a phone call, our patience is challenged. We can use positive self talk, realize that honking wont make the traffic pattern change. Yelling at the cashier at the checkout line wont make it go any faster, and the hold on the phone, well, there’s nothing to do other than wait or hang up. We use positive self talk knowing we can’t change certain things. We can change how we react or respond.
Depleted Mother Syndrome is real. We work full time outside and inside the home. The demands don’t stop, our capacity to keep up diminishes, our resources are limited making us depleted, worn out, burnt out and emotional. It’s normal and it’s true.
What are your triggers?
Identifying your personal triggers is a great place to start.
Are you hungry, and as a result have a short fuse?
Sleep deprived? This is a super common trigger for impatience.
Kids endless asking, demanding and not taking no for an answer?
Feel ignored and disrespected?
Not getting what you want?
Messy house and clutter?
Repeating yourself?
Being late?
Screens and devices have hijacked your kids attention?
We lose our patience with any one of these feelings. We may also have expectations that are not in alignment with our child’s abilities at this time, expecting them to behave or to follow instructions that they simply don’t know how to do just yet. We too want what we want.
Patience can be cultivated and grown
It begins with us and how we listen to our own needs. Self care makes patience possible. What do you need more of and less of? Feed yourself with kindness and love.
Get enough sleep. How can an extra hour or two of sleep be made possible?
Step away from the moment, when you are able. Walk away, take slow, long, deep breaths, and get centered. Then return ready to continue, from a place of calmness.
A child’s job is to test the boundaries and to see where their power lies. Know this to be true and that it is a part of their development. It’s not you, it’s them.
Slow down. A lot. What’s one thing that can be taken off your to do list? How can the schedule be made a bit simpler? What if you gave yourself 15 extra minutes? Children live in the moment. Rushing and hurrying are adult behaviors.
Listen to your child. Why did your three year old just change their outfit for the third time? What is their need and their want? Is it texture, a particular way of expressing themselves, comfort, favorite outfit no matter the season or weather? Can you say yes instead of no?
Allow yourself to be imperfect and flawed in your parenting. There are no perfect parents and there never will be. We all make mistakes and we all blow a fuse from time to time. It’s perfectly normal.
Apologize as needed. “I’m sorry I yelled like that. I needed to walk away and get calm. I’ll do that the next time.”
Use positive self talk and mantras that give a positive message. “I am in control”
“My child needs me to model what calm looks like.” “I don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Problem solve with your child and collaborate with them. “Ryan came over and you guys had a great playdate together. Now the playroom needs to be put back together. How will we do this? What parts will do and what part shall I do?”
Patience is not easy, but it is vital in parenting. Remember, you are doing your best and your best can grow stronger when we cultivate patience.
