Better parenting begins with self care
As parents, every day we are needed over and over and over. Our child is relentless in their wants and needs, our spouse or partner needs us too, and our work both inside and outside the home puts more demands on us. A new baby, sibling rivalry, tantrums, defiance, disorganization, the rushing and constant go, go, go. Your child has had their fifth meltdown, it’s time to pick one child up from swim, get homework done and dinner made and the other child needs help finding a lost lego. Bedtime is a huge stressor and so is the mess. Parenting is so hard. It’s harder than we ever imagined and harder then we can sometimes manage.
How can we not fall apart, yell and scream and have our own temper tantrum from all this?
How do you feel and behave when you’re over extended?
Self care is not a luxury. It’s a responsibility to ourselves.
Self care means you care for yourself so that your social, emotional, physical and mental health needs are met. Why is this important? It’s extremely clear. We cannot give what we don’t have. Our child cannot get the support and modeling they need so that they learn how to self regulate. When we are tapped out, empty, burnt out and depleted, we just keep spinning our wheels in the mud, staying stuck, going no where, perpetuating the same feelings and behaviors. Our child is crying, we’re crying. It’s a mess.
This is where the essence of self care comes in.
So how can self care help me?
Self care means taking the time for yourself to do things that helps you feel more energized and alive, more calm and steady, more rested and able. Small steps in self care yields big results, improving our overall health, improves relationships with our partner/spouse and with our child and with ourself. It’s the elixir to make us feel better, whole and able to tackle the many demands.
I know. I really know and understand. Your so busy it doesn’t seem possible to fit in self care any day of the week. Some of us have to log back into work once the children are asleep and work more hours until 11:00 PM or later. We have an infant or child that wakes up multiple times a night and we’re so sleep deprived and exhausted. Self care feels like another thing to do. Yes, it is. And it’s our responsibility to do just that.
Self care varies individual by individual. It’s not a one size fits all. However, there are aspects of self care we all need. Sleep, exercise, healthy foods and time to ourselves.
“Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first, it means me too.” LR Knost
Parents are selfless, always giving and sacrificing. We can become aware of these tendencies, check in with ourselves and please ourselves too. We matter, we’re important and we count. A whole lot. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
Keep in mind that everything we say and do, teaches our child. Every word and action is a mirror. When they see us in constant motion never sitting and always doing, they don’t learn to slow down and stop moving. When we eat poorly and fail to exercise, we might feel sluggish, slower and run down, and model those habits. When we pause, sit down with a cup of tea, take out a book and read for ten or fifteen minutes, we are modeling that too. When we zone out using our phone or device as an escape, our child learns to do that as well. When we go for a walk, sit quietly for five minutes before we start the day, when we meditate and slow down, we realign ourselves and calm down from the inside out. This lets us parent from a whole new place of positivity and calmness.
Self care is the sweet kiss that let’s us awake the person inside that has been neglected. I promise you, with attention to your own needs, you will feel more alive, worthy and refreshed. When our child sees that we are important, that we have our own limits and boundaries for ourselves, that we value our needs, then they see us that way too. If they see that we don’s stop until we drop, then that is what they know parents do and expect that.
Self care is not limited to any one thing and can include:
Having a peaceful, uninterrupted shower or bath. What has to happen to make this possible? Who can help support this basic need?
To eat sitting down at the table. Eating while standing and running doesn’t serve us
To have alone time with friends
Date night with spouse or partner
Time to slow down and say no to that which doesn’t serve you. “Sorry mom and dad, we can’t come this weekend. We’ll come another weekend.”
Bring in dinner as needed. Have compassion on yourself.
To mindfully sit for 5-10 minutes quietly each day at the side of your bed before you start your day.
Ask for help from another parent or adult resource
To sit and read for a few minutes
A walk outside, hopefully in nature, where possible
Listening to music and dancing while cooking
Write in a journal daily. What are you grateful for?
The list can go on and on. What are you missing and craving in your life?
Make a list of the self care that is calling out to you that you need, want and deserve. If you don’t do this for yourself, who will? It’s our responsibility to show ourselves self care.
