Growing Empathy
I totally get it. Your child has one gargantuan tantrum a day, or maybe several. Perhaps your child is easily triggered into hysterics and collapse, and you are too. Your child is emotional, overreactive, sensitive and anxious. You feel frustrated, angry, sad for your child and helpless not sure how to parent these tough moments. Help is on the way. Just a spoonful of empathy will help make things much better and end that challenge that much sooner.
So what exactly is empathy and why does it help? Simply stated, it is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It is putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone.’ ” -Brené Brown
Brené Brown, Professor, researcher and lecturer teaches that empathy is not feeling sorry for someone, it’s feeling with someone, fueling connection; taking the perspective of the other.
You may wonder, what’s the difference between empathy and sympathy?
When we are sympathetic and offer sympathy, we offer a feeling of sorrow, maybe even pity, and share the feelings of another, where as in empathy, we understand the feelings of another and do not share them. “I understand why this is so hard for you.” When we offer sympathy, like when someone experiences grief or loss, we offer sorrow. “I’m so sorry for your loss at this time. I hope these flowers bring you peace and comfort.”
Cultivating empathy begins as early as two years old. At this very young age, two’s can begin to recognize the feelings of others and may try to soothe another’s feelings whether they offer a toy, a kiss, or a cookie, as a means of connecting. A four year old may show empathy by offering a crying friend a hug or by drawing them a picture. They may even sit with their friend, connecting from a place of compassion and understanding.
How does empathy help parenting?
Let’s dip our toes into understanding our child. Whether your child is a toddler, preschooler, in elementary school or is a tween/teen, kids often express big feelings. When they’re angry, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, hungry or hangry, at different ages they may demonstrate their emotions differently, whether they go inward and become quiet, sullen, distant and removed, or have big emotional outbursts. How we connect and empathize is where the magic is.
When we show our child empathy, we are willing to acknowledge their feelings. We make space for them to talk and we’re their partner. We sit with them during their moments of hardship without judgement and correction. We become their ally in their discomfort, letting them experience their emotions while we give them understanding and compassion. We feel what they are feeling without owning those same feelings too. We’re empathetic without getting brought down with them. I see you, I hear you, I’m here with you is the empathetic sentiment we can give.
Children learn empathy by receiving empathy. Mostly it’s a learned behavior, a skill. Some children are inherently empathetic, aka an empath, while others become empathetic over time, growing this skill.
Empathy is a skill that we can cultivate in ourselves and in our child. Remembering we are always modeling what we want our child to know to do, including showing and being empathetic, is key.
We can get curious and ask questions that allows our child to process and better understand their own feelings. “How do you feel not being invited to Kimi’s birthday party?” “ Of course you feel sad and mad. I understand. I would feel that way too.”
How to grow empathy:
Get yourself calm, grounded, open and ready to listen carefully and thoughtfully. Show your support emotionally and physically. Stop, attend, tune in and be present.
Acknowledge and talk about their feelings. “I see you’re so upset your brother stepped on your lego castle.”
Validate and talk about their feelings. “Was this something you worked hard on for a long time?” It’s helpful even if it hurts to sit with the sadness and process it together. We don’t have to fix their feelings, but allow them to understand them and learn how to deal with them.
Offer compassion and understanding. “I understand you feel mad and sad. You put so much time into making this castle.” Is that why you screamed and then broke his train track?”
Use clear I messages. “ I understand you’re angry Samir broke your Lego castle, and I wont let you hit him.” “I know you wanted a new pack of Pokemon cards and you’re upset with me. Which card were you hoping to get next? I’ll remember you’re looking for that card next time.”
Help your child see what they now share in common with the other. “Now you both have broken work and you both are crying, you both are mad and upset for the same reason.”
Use books to teach empathy. There are so many.
Help your child see how the other is feeling without using guilt or shame. “Janna is crying and is rubbing her knee where she was kicked. I wonder what might help her feel better?”
Practice. Offer empathy from a place of care, compassion and curiosity. Teach empathy from a place of care, compassion and curiosity.
Be flexible and bendable, willing to listen to your child’s feelings and change course and direction as needed.
Children’s books on empathy:
Hey, Little Ant by Phillip M. Hoose- A marvelous look at empathy and feelings from the eyes of an ant as a child faces the decision whether or not to step on it.
A Spot of Empathy (part of a wonderful series of social emotional books)
The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerfeld
A Sick Day for Amos McGee by Phillip C. Stead
I am Human: A book of Empathy by Susan Verde and Peter Reynolds
Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE - for parents
