Effective consequences vs ineffective punishments
Each day is a day to teach and a day to learn. As a long time Early Childhood educator and parent, teaching comes naturally to me. I love fostering skills that help children grow so they can become independent, unique, impassioned citizens of the world.
At home it’s different. Parents aren’t educators, but all parents are teachers. Parents are every child’s first and most important and influential teacher. We teach our child how to walk, how to ride a bicycle, how to cross the street safely. We also teach the moral basics: Don’t take what’s not yours, share and take turns, always tell the truth and more. There’s so much to teach and so much to learn.
Kids make mistakes. Lots of them. Parents do too. And we can grow change.
Mistakes are natural and to be expected as a part of learning. We learn from struggles and we learn from trying again. Learning life lessons doesn’t come easy. I suppose it’s not supposed to. Our child learns best when mistakes are supported and understood. First we have to understand ourselves and understand the ineffective loops we are making in how we use discipline.
Many of us were parented with discipline. Some of us severely and harshly, some less, some not at all. Whether you were spanked or spank your child now, withhold dessert, give extra chores, label your child as a crybaby or call them lazy, punishment is not the effective discipline we think it will be. In fact, it can do the opposite and create more negative behaviors.
Whaaat? I discipline and punish my child and their behavior gets worse? Yup. It does the opposite of what we hope to accomplish.
Let’s look at what discipline is. According to Miriam Webster, discipline is control gained by the forcing of obedience to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment.
In essence, punishment is meant to shame, guilt, impose authority or harm.
Now let’s look at the definition of consequence: A result. An act or instance of following something as an effect, result or outcome. The behavior is the problem, not the child.
So which is right? Clearly consequences teach valuable lessons while punishment creates fear and threatens. Punishment is punitive and makes for resentment towards parents. Punishment helps children come up with better ways to sneak and not get caught the next time.
Logical Consequences vs. Natural Consequences. How do they differ?
Let’s learn together.
Logical consequences are a consequence from an action. Leave your bike out overnight, it might get taken. Toddler throws a hard toy, that toy is put away and returned the next day to try again.
Natural consequences are just that… natural. Pour water to the tippy top of a cup and it spills over. Leave your legos in the middle of the floor, someone might accidentally knock it over and it breaks apart.
Back to punishment:
When we punish our child, myriad feelings get stirred up. Our child might lie so as not to get in trouble, may have huge outbursts and become angry, use physical force to gain what they want and may learn to be physical and brutish in their friendships and relationships. Everything we do teaches.
Consequences are a positive way to impose discipline
Consequences teach. Punishment controls.
Consequences offer a child an opportunity to be self reflective, go inward, take responsibility and learn from their mistakes.
Natural consequences teach valuable lessons. These types of consequences help prepare a child for life ahead. Your child writes on the wall using markers or crayons, they clean it off.
As parents we cannot control our child and force them to do anything. Once we accept this to be true, we can lean into using natural consequences with more understanding, using conscious discipline.
Natural consequences help a child gain independence and self correct. “I was hungry yesterday when I didn’t eat my lunch. Today I’ll eat it.”
Consequences encourages better behavior. It gives a child an experience that is meaningful and long lasting.
Using consequence instead of punishment can have a very positive impact on how your child behaves and copes, especially if we add in flexibility, which is always a necessary ingredient in parenting.
Leaving sidewalk chalk outside overnight and it rains, that’s a consequence. Do we let this consequence teach them to be more mindful of their things or do we buy our child another package of chalk? Well, both work. We all make mistakes. If your child continues to leave their chalk out in the rain, well then that consequence might reinforce how to remember to clean up. When our child feels supported to make mistakes and be perfectly imperfect, they grow trust in us and see us as their ally, not as their punisher.
It’s the relationship that we’re always building, always strengthening and solidifying. And there’s no consequence for that, except for growing more love.
