Don’t Take It Too Seriously: How to Stay Calm When Kids Say the Wildest Things

Parenting can be a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when our child says something that catches us off guard. One moment they’re calling you the "best mom ever," and the next, they’re saying things like, "I hate you!" or "You’re the worst!" It’s natural to feel hurt or frustrated, but one of the most valuable parenting lessons is learning not to take what kids say too seriously. When your five year old says, “I want to throw you out the window!,” your child is experiencing strong feelings of anger, frustration or disappointment and you are the target. Don’t take it personally. Let’s remember, we are the adult parent, and we can control our own feelings and emotions. Conscious, positive parenting is needed.

Kids Say Things They Don’t Mean

It’s true. Just because they said it, doesn’t mean it’s true. The child who says, “I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party!” is feeling hurt and upset. Young children, especially those under ten, are still learning how to express themselves. They don’t yet have the emotional vocabulary or self-regulation skills to communicate their feelings accurately. When they’re tired, hungry, or overwhelmed, they might blurt out words that are more about their inner struggle than their true thoughts about you. For example, a preschooler who yells, "You’re mean!" might simply be trying to say, "I feel upset because I didn’t get my way."

Teenagers, on the other hand, are navigating a whirlwind of hormonal changes, social pressures, and a growing need for independence. Their words can sting even more because they sound intentional, but often, their remarks reflect temporary frustrations or attempts to assert autonomy, not a rejection of your love. It was a passing feeling that left them with big emotions. We use conscious parenting to be aware of our reaction and response.

There are action steps we can take.

Tips for Staying Calm

1. Pause Before Reacting
   I’ve written about the Power Of Pause before. It really does make a difference. When children say hurtful things, it's tempting to react immediately. But taking deep breaths or counting to five can give you a moment to respond thoughtfully instead of emotionally. Remember, it’s not personal—it’s not you. It’s their feelings spewing all over.

2. Consider the Context
   Look at the situation from your child’s perspective. Might they be tired? Hungry? Jealous? Overstimulated? These are often the culprit. Seemingly harsh words are a result of an underlying need or stress. Addressing the root cause can help de-escalate the situation. A healthy snack, some one on one time, a nap, some quiet time reading, helps.

3. Don’t Engage in a Power Struggle
   A conscious parent is an aware parent. Responding with anger or sarcasm escalates tension. Instead, try validating, "I can tell you’re really upset. Let’s take a break and talk when we’re both calm." This not only models your self-regulation but also teaches your child how to cool down in order to handle conflicts respectfully and thoughtfully. A conscious parent is a more positive parent.

4. Offer Empathy, Even When It’s Hard
   Acknowledging your child’s emotions doesn’t mean you agree with their words. You can say, "I understand you’re feeling frustrated," without letting their statements affect your self-worth. This helps your child feel seen and understood. Correct after you connect. “You’re upset I shut the TV. You want more TV time, and it’s over for today. I understand. And there’s no calling me names.”

5. Teach Communication Skills Later
   When emotions have settled, use the opportunity to talk about how words can affect others. Help your child develop more appropriate ways to express frustration, such as saying, You can tell me you’re mad because you wanted more playtime," instead of saying, I hate you. That way I’ll know what you want.”

Focus on the Big Picture

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. Children go through phases, and what seems overwhelming today will likely pass. It’s crucial to remember that your child’s love for you runs deep, even when their words don’t reflect it. By not taking their statements too seriously, you create a safe space where they feel accepted, even when they’re struggling and their behavior is less than desirable. Children need unconditional love to feel safe, seen, significant, and special.

Staying calm and giving grace—both to yourself and your child—allows you to build a strong, trusting relationship over time. After all, what matters most isn’t a fleeting outburst but the consistent, loving connection you cultivate day by day.