Our Child Can Learn To Make Good Decisions, If We Let Them

“The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.”- Alfie Kohn

I always appreciated this quote by this prominent progressive educator. Children need and want to have levels of control in their own life and need to learn how to make good decisions for themselves. They can only learn this if we let them. Bad mistakes and all.

In parenting, we often get in the way and we deny, prevent or prohibit our child from making decisions. There are many reasons we don’t let them make decisions, including:

-We’re in a rush and letting them decide will slow us down.

-As parents we are in control and want to be sure that we maintain our status

-We know better.

-We think we know what they like

-We have a hard time making decisions ourselves and we don’t trust our child’s decision making skills.

-We think they are too young to make a decision

All these reasons make sense in parenting, yet they deny our child the opportunity to learn how to make good decisions, setting them up for greater competence and better abilities as they get older. Letting children make decisions is crucial in their growth and development.

There is no right age when starting to make decisions.

A toddler is able to decide between an apple or a banana for snack, chocolate or vanilla ice cream. “Do you want your ketchup to dip or on top?” A young child can choose their clothes. A teenager can decide do their homework before or after dinner. As simple and benign as these seem, these are small steps in fostering and teaching decision making skills.

“It’s your decision, shower now before dinner and we’ll have time after dinner to play, or shower after dinner and you can play now until dinner is ready. Which do you think is best for you?”

How does decision making help our child?

1. Strengthens Decision-Making Skills

• By allowing kids to make choices, they learn how to weigh options, consider consequences, and make informed decisions. This helps them become more confident and independent. “Let’s think about it for a minute before we buy it. Remember when you bought that video game and you said it’s not that much fun, and you don’t play it?”

2. Builds Responsibility

• When children make decisions, they also learn responsibility. This teaches them accountability and helps them understand that their choices have effects. “You can save the money grandma and grandpa gave you towards something you really want, or you can bring some money with you when we go visit Aunt Karla and Uncle Mike, give a little to the homeless if we see someone, and you can buy yourself something.”

3. Fosters Independence

• Decision-making helps children feel more in control of their lives, fostering a sense of independence. It encourages them to think for themselves and rely less on others to make choices for them. Choosing their own clothes is a great way to start, including setting limits and boundaries, and consistency. “It’s a chilly day. Tights or leggings? You choose.” “You can ask Alexa what the weather is and choose your clothes after you hear the weather.” We can tell our twelve year old child to wear a jacket or we can help them learn to bring a jacket.

4. Enhances Problem-Solving Abilities and Decisiveness

• When kids face the consequences of their decisions, they learn problem-solving skills. Children become better at navigating challenges and coming up with solutions when we involve them. When we let children make small decisions (and let them make mistakes!) we are helping them towards making bigger decisions. Children learn best from the mistakes they make. “There was such a rush this morning to get our on time and you forgot to pack your cleats. How can we prevent this from happening again next week? What ideas do you have?”

5. Boosts Confidence and Self-Esteem

• Making decisions and seeing positive outcomes can boost a child's confidence and self-esteem. Even when the outcomes aren’t as expected, they learn resilience and how to handle setbacks. “Looks like you made a great choice to do your homework after school. Now you can meet Jamie and play.”

6. Encourages Personal Growth

• Decision-making allows kids to explore their interests, values, and preferences. This self-discovery is an essential part of personal growth and identity formation.

  “You picked out three books on space all on your own. Wow, you’ll learn so much! What a great topic you chose!”

7. Promotes Critical Thinking

• By weighing the pros and cons of different options, kids develop critical thinking skills. This helps them analyze situations more deeply and make better choices in the future. “You have Lara’s party and Taekwondo at the same time. Which one will you choose?”

8. Supports Emotional Regulation and Development

• Making decisions helps children learn to manage their emotions, particularly when dealing with uncertainty or disappointment. They learn to trust their instincts and manage anxiety related to decision-making. As teens, this helps them take the brave step in calling us to pick them up from a party that has gone awry or become risky, or to prioritize things in an order that is best. “You want to play a game with your friends and I know you have a project due Monday. What ideas do you have so this project gets done with your attention and without rushing through it?” “You chose a new flavor ice cream. That’s a great thing to do!"

9. Prepares Them for the Future

• Life is full of decisions, big and small. By practicing decision-making early on, children are better prepared to face the complexities of adult life with greater confidence and competence. “Which should we pack, your sippy cup or your water bottle?”

10. Strengthens the Parent Child Relationship

• When we see that our child made a good decision, we are proud of them (and we can remember to amplify that to them!) and this let’s us trust them more. Trust is essential. When we let our child make decisions, we are less controlling, which is so necessary, and we are in a better place with them in our relationship. We shift from control to acceptance that our child can and needs to make decisions, both good and bad.

  Encouraging children to make decisions, even small ones, can have a lasting positive impact on their development. It's important to guide them through this process, offering support when needed, but also allowing them the freedom to make their own choices and catch them and rescue them when necessary, and to not always bring them their soccer cleats.