Are Your Expectations Realistic?
Setting Realistic Expectations: The Key to Effective Child Behavior Management
Parenting is a journey filled with love, learning, and—let’s be honest—plenty of challenges! One of the biggest hurdles many parents face is managing their child’s behavior while balancing their own expectations. Quite often our rigidity, wanting it our way, can lead to frustration for both parent and child. We want them to behave well (who wouldn’t?) to eat what we serve, to sit at the table nicely. By understanding child development : what they are capable of at this age and time in their development, and behavior management through age-appropriate parenting techniques, we can foster a more peaceful, cooperative home.
Why Realistic Expectations Matter
When we set expectations that align with our child’s developmental stage, we create an environment where they can succeed at the age that they are, not the age we think they are or look like. If you have a very verbal child for their age, you might unknowingly expect more of them than is appropriate. This also occurs with children that are tall for their age. They are the height of a five year old and they’re merely three years old. If we expect a toddler to sit still for a half hour or hour at dinner, or a teenager to share everything about their day, we may set ourselves up for disappointment and set them up for challenging behaviors. Instead, when we learn what’s reasonable and common for their age, and we can guide them with patience and support rather than frustration, anger and punishment.
Understanding Behavior at Different Stages
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2-4): Learning Through Exploration
Toddlers and preschoolers are naturally curious and impulsive. Their emotional regulation is still developing, which means tantrums and defiance are common. Instead of expecting them to “just listen,” we can focus on using clear, simple directions with few words and positive reinforcement. Parenting techniques like offering choices, “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?”, “Do you want your chicken cut or eat if off the bone?” “Where do you want me to squirt the ketchup?” and using distraction can help manage behavior effectively.
Realistic Expectation: Toddlers and preschoolers struggle with impulse control and need guidance to learn, not by using punishment. This age group is active, antsy and can usually sit only for short periods of time. We can offer small portions of food and refill if they want more, they can leave the table when they’re done with an activity they can do after they eat, can bring a small toy to the table, adds a bit of joy and takes away rigidity, which creates resistance and power struggles. Often we are rigid and want our child to comply when we are creating a scenario that is most difficult for them.
Preschoolers and Young Primary School (Ages 4-6): Testing Boundaries
At this stage children begin to understand rules, (but not fully,) and also test limits. This is completely normal and to be expected. They test limits to see what happens, to learn what is acceptable and not acceptable, and to see if we’ll react or respond. They may pushback, negotiate, or have big emotional reactions. Consistent boundaries, along with calm and clear limits, helps them learn what is acceptable and what to expect. Using logical consequences and reinforcing positive behaviors can encourage cooperation. Four year old drew on the table or wall? We clean the table or wall together, remind that crayons are only on paper, and bye bye crayons and put them out of reach until tomorrow, when we try again. When they draw on paper, we let them know. “You used the crayons on paper this time. That’s the way. I see you used so many colors! Tell me about it.”
Realistic Expectation: Your child will be upset, will challenge rules but needs consistent responses to feel secure and learn self-control.
School-Age Children (Ages 7-12): Growing Independence
As kids grow, they crave and need more independence, but still need structure. They may struggle with managing emotions, peer relationships, and responsibilities. Encouraging problem-solving and self-reflection rather than jumping in to fix everything helps build confidence and their ability to do more for themselves.
Realistic Expectation: Your child will make mistakes and needs support to navigate challenges, rather than expecting them to act, think and behave like mini-adults. We support them by allowing them to come up with solutions and be a part of the problem solving.
Teenagers (Ages 13-18): Seeking Autonomy
Teens often push back against authority as they establish their identity. While they may seem independent, they still need guidance, tons of emotional support, and crystal clear expectations. Open communication and respect for their growing autonomy help maintain a strong parent-child relationship.
Realistic Expectation: Your teen will crave independence but still needs boundaries and emotional connection with you.
Embracing a Growth Mindset in Parenting
When we adjust our parenting techniques to align with our child’s age and development, we create a more harmonious home. Realistic expectations doesn’t mean lowering our standards; it means meeting our child where they are and guiding them with patience and understanding and adjusting our expectations.
By embracing child behavior management strategies that are appropriate for their age and stage in their development, we can replace frustration with connection—and parenting can become a journey of growth for both parent and child.
